With a heavy heart, I write

2 Jun

Lately I’ve heard the phrase “It’s just another part of life,” a lot. I haven’t wanted to write about this topic, perhaps because I thought I would feel judged, or perhaps because I didn’t want to face the reality of my emotions… but lately I’ve been feeling sad.

It has to do with all of the changes occurring in my life at the moment. I graduated from college, my sister graduated from high school, my sister will be leaving for college in the fall, I will soon begin a new job in the big bad grown-up world (as soon as I find one), and family members are growing older. I have so many memories pre-college, that I can hardly believe everything that has changed during and after college. I’ve never dealt well with change.

Me, around age 3. Time flies.

Last night my mom got a call that my grandpa (her dad) is not doing well. He was moved into a nursing home about a year and a half ago, diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Just two weeks ago, I visited him when I was in Michigan, so I was a little shocked when my mom told me what was going on. As funny as it sounds, maybe I’ve always seen my grandparents as invincible, immortal, or something of the like, but I was not expecting that call today. I don’t think any of us were.

On Friday, my family and I will be driving to Michigan to visit my grandpa. I am sad, anxious, and a little scared. The last time I said goodbye, just two weeks ago, I managed to hold myself together. I knew I would be coming back in July for a baby shower, a happy occasion, and would visit then. This time, this occasion, with the addition of all of my family in the room, I’m not so sure I can hold it together.

My grandpa is 82-years-old. I know that he has lived a long life thus far, full of successes, full of memories, but that doesn’t keep me from crying.

My mom keeps using the word “die.” That word is so blunt. So in your face. Too real. I told her stay positive, asked if they could give him an IV, something, anything, to prolong the situation. She reminded me that he’s 82. 82 years is a lot.

Maybe I am writing this mostly for myself.

Everyone deals with these situations differently.

I write.

 

 

 

 

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16 Responses to “With a heavy heart, I write”

  1. Laura @ LauraLikesDesign June 2, 2011 at 7:49 am #

    Aw, I’m so sorry to hear about this…hang in there. I know it’s hard. 😦

  2. Meaghan June 2, 2011 at 8:19 am #

    I think we all deep down want to think that our parents and grandparents are invincible…if only it were true. ❤ And with all of your family going, you might be stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You can lean on them when you need to, and if you can't hold it together there's nothing wrong with that either. In a sense you are lucky to have this chance to not leave anything left unsaid, to let him know how much you love him. And if everything works out ok, well you can never say I love you too much.

  3. Hollie @ Lolzthatswim(andRun) June 2, 2011 at 8:44 am #

    I know it’s hard-both my grandparents past away within the same day. You are a strong woman and you will get through this.

  4. Jess June 2, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    I am so sorry hun. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can definitely relate to what you are going through<3

  5. Mel (mmmstories) June 2, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

    Sorry to hear about your grandfather – wishing you both well & health on your trip to see him. It’s nice you have your outlet to unleash your emotions – I hope it helps.

    My grandfather just turned 80 and is in good health but not as great as he used to be. I don’t see him very often but every time I do, he hugs me so closely and for so long I wonder if he thinks it will be for the last time. I try to just push those thoughts back because sometimes it seems too heavy or unanticipated at our age I guess.

    • Emily @ Perfection Isn't Happy June 2, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

      My other grandparents do that too, and I wonder the same thing! I try to push back the thoughts too, otherwise it’s very overwhelming.

  6. Nicole @ Of Cookies & Carrots June 2, 2011 at 7:07 pm #

    aw girl I am so, so sorry to hear this ❤ I lost my grandpa a couple of years ago and it still hurts from time to time.

    shoot me an e-mail if you need to vent or need anything at all, okay? Thinking good thoughts & sending lots of vibes and hugs your way ❤

    n

  7. Lindsay @ The Lean Green Bean June 2, 2011 at 9:31 pm #

    so sorry to hear about this. you’re in my thoughts! let me know if you need anything. i’m just an email away!

  8. Brittany June 3, 2011 at 12:42 am #

    My sweet girl! I’m so sorry to hear this! Losing my grandpa 5.5 years ago was difficult for me– if you need to talk i’m here for you 🙂 xoxo

  9. Sheila June 3, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family

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