I Can Do Anything

6 Feb

I wasn’t planning on doing it. For a moment, I didn’t want to do it. Didn’t think I could handle it. I felt my nerves kicking in, my hands starting to shake. I gripped Jordan’s hand tighter and made him tell me that’d it’d be okay. My aunt told me to remember that my grandpa always believed I could do anything. My grandma told me to think happy thoughts- to think of the wedding. And with tears in her eyes, she said it would mean so much to her. So much to her, if I read the poem aloud.

So I did it. At 23-years-old, I stood in front of 115 people and read my first eulogy.  The church was quiet and people were crying, but somehow, I managed to get through 3/4 of it without crying. At the end, I broke down. I paused too long between sentences, giving myself time to think about what I was saying, what I had wrote. Later, my sister’s boyfriend joked that my tears were perfect timing- I guess I wasn’t the only one who lost it at that moment. I managed to improvise, finishing my sentence, and getting back to my pew as fast as my heels would move me. I didn’t want to break into the ugly cry in front of that many people.

It was more difficult than my driver’s test, more difficult than my college applications, more difficult than my first surgery. But I did it. I read what I had written aloud, displaying my emotions for 1oo-something people to hear.

And it made me realize- I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. Family members I barely know came up to me and hugged me, thanked me. My cousin- my seemingly fearless, go-with-the-flow cousin- told me I was brave.

If I can do that, I can do anything.

Thank you, Grandpa, for allowing me to realize that.

 

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15 Responses to “I Can Do Anything”

  1. dallaskelly February 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

    That must have been really difficult, but I’m so happy for you that you had the strength to do that.

  2. Amy February 6, 2012 at 8:48 pm #

    So proud of you, Emily!! Can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been. Hope youre doing well and prayers to you and your family!

  3. Caroline February 6, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

    I did the eulogy at both my grandparents’ funerals in the last year and a half, and I definitely agree with you. It’s one of the toughest things ever to stand up in front of people, sobbing, and trying to express thoughts and feelings. WAY TO GO and being willing to do it though. Looking back it’s something concrete that you did that you can hold on to, and there’s something comforting about that. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you process his loss…

  4. Karolina February 6, 2012 at 9:21 pm #

    It’s interesting how much we continue to learn from the people we love who have died, and I’m glad you were able to learn something else from your grandpa. Great job pushing yourself past your comfort zone. I’m sure your family appreciated what you had to say.

  5. Mallory @ Have Your Cake February 6, 2012 at 11:47 pm #

    so proud of you. i cant even imagine doing something that courageous and beautiful! i would have totally lost it. you ARE stronger than you think you are – we all are. we are our own worst critics. continue to give yourself all the credit you deserve emily!

  6. Floey February 7, 2012 at 2:58 am #

    ❤ my grandma just passed away last week. I was asked if I wanted to say anything — I don't know if I can!!!
    You did an amazing job! I'm sure he is so proud 🙂

    • Emily @ Perfection Isn't Happy February 7, 2012 at 7:45 am #

      I’m so sorry about your grandma. I’ll be thinking about you and your family! I can tell you this…if you do say something, you’ll be happy that you did.

  7. Caitlin February 7, 2012 at 9:28 am #

    So sorry to hear about your grandpa – but that is so brave of you. I know that I will want to say something at each of my grandparents’ funerals when those days unfortunately come because they mean so much to me, and I am sure I’ll be nervous too. But you did it and I know your grandpa is proud of you and touched that you conquered your nerves and your sadness to give him a great tribute!

  8. Jess@atasteofconfidence February 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    So proud of you. I had to speak at my uncle’s funeral (my dad’s brother) and it was very difficult, but I feel honored knowing I was able to have a part in the ceremony. I’m sure he is very proud of you as well.

  9. hrose42 February 7, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    Ok I caved in 🙂
    Now presenting: The Rose Diaries…slowly but surely 🙂

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